By Daniel MartinezIf I Were President
It is that epoch again, election time. This is the monumental event of our democracy where all intelligent, capable rich elitists, possessing the basic human ability to read a lengthy pamphlet, fork over their global earnings to run for the most prestigious and powerful position in the world: President of the United States. In this democratic process we will hear from every candidates as to why they, 'THEY' should be elected to run the free world. We will hear rhetoric over and over again how they want us to "Believe" and they are "For a brighter future" and "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah". They will remind us as to why the word "politics" should add the letter 'K' and be hyphenated as a contraction of poly and ticks. This my friends is the pinnacle of mankind's greatest achievement; this will show our superiority over the animal kingdom by mudslinging, degradation, finger pointing and the ambiguous, "I'm for change!"
Actually I'm not going to talk about the candidates or their views because they are lying sons (or daughter) of a female canine who if asked what time it is would tell you to go talk to the committee on General Farm Commodities and Risk Management. No, I'm going to talk about what I would do if I were president. Not that anyone cares or would vote for me because I have no redeeming qualities other than being honest, which doesn't count. I wouldn't be elected due to the mere fact that I would piss-off to many people, enforce the constitution, and did I mention piss-off people? But by the freak chance that 300 Billion people died in America and I was in fact the last intelligent person and where Appellation inbreeds and green glowing roaches elected me president this is what I would do.
Economy:
It could be worse, a lot worse. The American economy is screwed because the 10% of foreclosed homes (due to subprime mortgages, which is to increase by 40% this year) have set off a chain reaction reverberating through every facet of life. Mix that with soaring gas prices it's ugly. For starters I would tell the banks to stop being greedy and negotiate with the mortgage holders for a more stable price that they can afford and then I would pull out my paddle and kick their behinds for being stupid. "Thank you sir, can I have another." Then I would revoke congressional bailouts and say, "Bad congress, bad! Go to your room." And do some more beatings.
With petroleum I'd immediately begin drilling of available oil reserves in Alaska leaving continental U.S reserves for just that. I'd stop playing games in Iraq and take 40% of their oil as payment for the war. I'd call it, "Kiss My A**, We're Taking What We Came Here For Act of whenever" And as for the Saudi's, I'd remove their diplomatic immunities just because their spoiled brats. That'd probably screw up relations with them and we'd get no more oil from them but we have Alaska, for about 30 years, and I'll be assassinated by then so I don't care.
Jobs going over seas? I'd put a high tariff on foreign production. If you pay someone in India for your call center then every dollar you pay them there will be a high tax on it. They earn $3.50/hour but you pay $10.50/hour. See how many jobs leave our shores now. Yeah, I'd be pissing-off a lot of people.
Civil Rights:
First I must state that I am a strict constructionist and don't subjectively interpret the constitution. The "People" means the people! So, when it says freedom of religion, little Bobby has a right to pray in class at PS104 in the Bronx, right before he buys a hit from Chewie.
All those damn hippies who like to exhibit their faggetry in the form of protests, I'll begrudgingly allow them with the prayerful hope of a stray 9mm. flying through… well never mind.
I'll settle the Second Amendment issue once and for all. "The right of the PEOPLE" means your old grandma who's packing a 44mag. has a right to shoot whoever enters with the intent of grievous harm. None of this collective rights crap. I'll repeal 99% of the federal gun laws on the books. California and New York will still be screwed but at least Georgia is safe.
Oh, and the PATRIOT ACT? You can trust me I wont abuse it.
Foreign Policy:
I'd like to say, "Either you're with us or you're against us." But that wouldn't work, mainly because of China. They own most of our debt (which I would ban further crediting from) so they got us by the balls although they are on the verge of a recession as we are. This is what I would do: I'd start a ghost agency under the cloak of a mainstream corporation with the responsibility of infiltrate and indoctrinate the Chinese people through their censored internet by hacking and infecting the Chinese technological infrastructure. Now I probably won't be in office long enough to see this through but with the right people I trust, once they see that the Chinese people are tired of their communist government this pseudo-company will obtain all debt from the Chinese as to release the preverbal balls in the vice and poise the U.S military to strike while the fire is hot. Oh, that debt we now have? It would be used to strengthen the economy somehow, not sure yet. China has a powerful army but with the deprogramming of their people they will be more easily beaten. Nuclear war? Don't worry, Appellation inbreeds and green glowing roaches remember? Well, I don't have it all planned yet but I'll get there. What I would do is make incentives for moving China made production to the states. That wouldn't be fair to other foreign made products not from China but who ever said I was fair? Honest yes, fair not so much.
Oh Iran? Eh, F*ck'em, literally. Give the people 24 to get out and watch the fireworks fly. Why do we need soldiers on the ground when there's nothing left. The next day contractors will be there to build the Wal-Mart superstore for the contractors who will be building the McDonalds. I rest my case.
War:
Americans are such babies. If we can't stand no more than four years of war then what are we going to do when we annex Canada. I hate war but you don't see me crying about it.
Iraq is a mess. We went in there with good intensions but like most intentions they get mucked up with 'feelings'. We went there to remove Saddam and we did. So where's our spoils? It's stuck in the freakin' ground! Stop this democratization crap, these people wouldn't know what to do with it if we handed it to them on a silver platter, oh wait, we did! Colonize the place, rape the land and call Halliburton when we've had a good day. Simple as that.
And as for terrorists, we will hunt you down! U.S citizen ship to anyone who finds Osama and Rosie O'Donnell's assets. Not Obama, we don't want him. You can have him.
Crime:
Two problems with crime in America: the criminals who commit it and the empathy shown by society. I'll put an end to the latter. If you are convicted of committing an intentional, premeditated homicide, and three or more people saw you do it then you have one year for appeals and then you are executed. None of this expensive lethal injection crap. A $.30 bullet through the head by my own arsenal; cheap and painless. Open casket? You're going in the grinder for the cow to eat, what do you care. While I'm on the subject, since when do felons have constitutional rights? Anybody?
Also if you are in and out of prison for more than three major offenses then you stay there.
Child molesters? No special treatment, put'em in the general population, hehehe.
Gangs? That has to do with the deterioration of the family unit and moral fiber. But same rules apply as above.
United Nations:
I'd kick their sorry butts out of New York and possibly get out of it all together. Haven't decided.
Cabinet:
I'd rename the Department of Defense to the 'Department of A**-Whoopin' and appoint Chuck Norris as secretary. Who would mess with us then, really? Cheech and Chong would be Secretary of Agriculture just for the humor of it.
That's what I got so far. It's not much and really off the wall but as we can see I'll never become president, thankfully. But I wouldn't mind future presidents taking head and implementing a few of my ideas. In a perfect world we wouldn't need a president but in the real world we do so it is our duty to elect one that best compromises the values of America and most importantly show's no remorse in doing so. Thank you, and God Bless America!